How to bang a bible thumper

In: Adult Relationships|Casual Sex|Dating tips|Sex|Uncategorized

5 Jan 2012

Is there anything hotter than a Catholic kilt and slightly damp white cotton panties? Who doesn’t like a good challenge? It’s the new year and if you’re bored of the standard adult friends that will hook up faster than your tongue can knot a maraschino cherry’s stem, get online and get yourself some hot Christian sex.

So you’ve decided to take the Christian challenge. Right on brother!

To have sex with a Christian, you have to think like a Christian.

Bible thumper study begins now.

Lesson one: Knowing your God fearing goal.

There are a few different types of hot Christian girls out there. Each type requires a different influence in order for her to “sin” with you.

Here are the classic Catholic and Christian targets:

The good girl who wants to be bad

This girl has usually been force fed religion more brutally than an anorexic is fed bagels in rehab. She has a hidden hate for all things Jesus related and is often already passive aggressively rebelling against her parents and church. She needs only a little push before she’ll be walking out of the church and into the dungeons of some kink palace across town.

The truly innocent (but terribly stupid) bible thumper

These are the kind of girls who have been so thoroughly brainwashed by their church and family that they will believe anything anyone says to them. They’re usually “technical virgins” already. They are as tame as lambs and really the biggest challenge is figuring out what passage in the bible to use to connect blowjobs with their lord and savior.

The true devotee

The ultimate challenge. The bible is her favorite book, she is usually involved in youth groups, bible study and has a MAJOR guilt complex. Seriously, nobody hangs out in church that much unless they secretly think that they’re a sinner. They want to save everyone, because that’s the only way to cleans their dirty thoughts and repressed sexuality. If you break the devotee down, you’re in for one hell of a sex romp.

How to slice yourself off a piece of that Christian cherry pie.


For the “good girl”:

The “good girl” isn’t really good, in fact, she really does just need a little bit of bad influence to blame her corruption on. If you want to get into her XXX panties, you get to be the baaaad boyfriend.

When you first meet

  • When you first meet up with her, make fun of her a bit.
  • Say she’s SO innocent. That you don’t think you’ve ever been so naive.
  • Call her cute (These kind of girls hate being called cute).

Keeping the connection

1. Find her on facebook and friend her. She’ll be secretly thrilled that you found her.

2. Comment on her photos “could that skirt be any longer?” and ” you tramp” if she’s doing a mirror myspace shot or a duckface move.

3. Chat. Ask her about what she thinks about the double standards for women in the bible. If she argues, tell her to convince you in person.

Becoming the wolf

Get her over to your house or pick her up in your car and be a total gentleman. Don’t make one move. Let her give you a “heart to heart”. Then, when she’s said her peace, kiss her, really passionately. Tell her how sexy she is when she is talking bullshit. Right aftertell her you have stuff to do and drop her back off at home. She’ll be left horny and slightly confused. Do this a few times, each time pushing a little further, then stop and tell her she’s just too innocent for you.

Keep playing this game and eventually she’ll be begging to prove to you how not innocent she can be. 

For the innocent dumb girl:

Dumb girls, religious or otherwise can be a frustrating sexual target. They don’t get subtle hints and they’re usually not very good at head. On the positive side, if you like people who do what they’re told, you can’t get any better than a dim witted Christian girl.

Here’s how to bang the brainless

Ask her to tell you about Jesus. When she immediately begins, stop her and say you want to be in a more private setting. Ask if she’ll tell you over dinner or tea. Suggest her house for the first time, say her parents can be home and everything. When she agrees, say “great, so it’s a date”. It will throw her off and also excite her.

For the first date

  • Bring her flowers.
  • Tell her she’s pretty when you see her.
  • Start asking about Jesus over tea and cookies.
  • Listen to all of the crap she spouts out.
  • Ask if you can hold her hand while she’s talking, (don’t worry, she’ll say yes).
  • Cut the date short and say you have to go home and think about it all.

The next day send her a text saying how you had a dream about her last night, that you were drowning and she saved you. It will make her feel very powerful and secure.

Getting under her kilt

Invite her over to your place. Hold her hand and take her on a tour around the house, show her the bedroom and kiss her on the neck very quickly before moving onto the kitchen. Get some beverages and then go sit on the couch.

Start asking her about sex, about why some things are ok and why others aren’t. Test, the waters ask if Jesus would care if two people had sex if they were intending to marry after. Ask if they would go to hell if you had sex and then prayed for forgiveness right after. Then, slowly, start making out with her, ask “do you think Jesus would give us these urges if they were wrong?”.

Do these things and she’ll let your floss your teeth with her Christian thong.

Getting the very devote sexy girl:

The ultimate challenge. First off, watch that movie Cruel Intentions. It’s a perfect movie to show you how to get into a goody two shoes pants.

For the first encounter

Seem sour, reject religion, debate her passionately, but let her win. Then act flustered and get out of there. She’ll feel confident and like she won.

Setting the trap

Get her number from someone and send her a text, something like “Jesus hates me”. This will get her attention. Ask her if you can call her. Say that you think you’ve done too many bad things in your life to ever be able to get into heaven. If she tries to convince you otherwise, hang up on her. Don’t respond to her calls.

The second meet

Send her a text in the middle of the night, ask if she can talk.

Meet: It can be in your car in front of her house, or on the back porch. Just get her to sneak out and break the rules.

Once you have her alone, talk and debate. Really get into it, ask her why she became a Christian, if she thinks it’s worth a life of sexual repression. Tell her she looks really sexy, even if she’s wearing a cardigan and snow pants and that you can’t even stop yourself from saying that, because you’re so bad. Pretend to weep, let her comfort you, then kiss her. After you break apart apologize and say goodnight.

Church seduction

  • Don’t call her.
  • Don’t respond to text messages.
  • Show up at her church on Sunday.
  • Pretend to be super into the sermon and ignore her.
  • After church, hug her and say thanks.
  • Then repeat the instructions in the second meet.

Getting it in

Begin inviting her over to your house for meaningful discussions that lead to make out sessions. Each time go a little further and question her with the same lines that you used on the stupid christian girl. Then bring up “soaking” as an option. By this time she should be just aching for some real form of action. Soaking is basically putting your dick in, but then not moving, just “soaking” in the glory of each other’s embrace. It’s based in the Mormon tradition, click here for more on that.

From soaking, to thrusting is not a big leap. Although you should be prepared for a long romp when you’ve gotten real sex out of her. Once she’s had the forbidden fruit, she won’t be getting out of the bed until you’re eaten it with her.

If you’re lucky enough to bang a devote Christian, be warned, they’re like 1000 thread Egyptian cotton. Once you try them once, it will be hard to go back to the standard things that cover mattresses these days. 

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