Chocolate flavored cum?

In: Casual Sex|First Impression|Sex|XXX

7 Nov 2011

Chocolate is the taste of happy feelings and comforting fullness. The flavor of cum is associated with a sore neck and a gag worthy gulp. If you want an adult friend to give you oral sex and swallow your wax dart of love, you’ve got to give your body a hand with making it a bit more palatable.

Jizz flavors ranges from “touch of the onion” all the way over to the chemical bleach taste with a nasal scraping of ammonia. Why the hell are men always whining about what women taste like? From my experience, unless there’s a medical issue going on, we pretty much taste how we smell.

So, what can you do to turn the garlic and sock tasting ejaculate into a mocha mouse or XXX chocolate cream surprise? Not surprisingly, it’s what’s inside that counts.

Number one: Water! Get hydrated and your man juice will stop having the texture of a marathon runners spit after he crosses the finish line. Seriously, the more liquid you have in your body, the more smooth your cum will be, nobody wants to suck half scrambled eggs through your man tube.

Number two: Do NOT eat garlic and onions the day of or the day before a blow job. If your girlfriend is eighty one and likes garlic and onions on her fried liver, maybe she’ll like swishing that aroma around in her mouth. For all other women, you’re just going to give them a bad association.

Number three: Stop smoking. It might look cool when you’re smoking that cigarette with the other prematurely wrinkled hipsters at your work, but cigarettes get mixed up in your tadpole puddle and give it that chemical bath taste. If your girlfriend wanted to drink drano, she wouldn’t use your dick as a straw. Quit smoking and get more sex, good incentive.

Number four: Wheat grass. It’s been said by other medical sources and it’s true. The thing that they don’t say is that you have to do it for about five days before it works. That stuff has  to build up in your system.

Number five: Fruit and vegetables of all kinds. Don’t believe the bullshit about how a cup of pineapple juice is going to make your hot shoelaces taste like cotton candy. You have to have a full variety of fresh fruits and vegetable in your system, for at least a week for this to take effect.

Number six: Cut back on the red meat and pork. It’s true what they say, vegans really do taste like almond butter. Red meat and pork turn your penis puke into a rotting flesh flavored mess. Keep it in the chicken, fish and vegetarian zone and you’ll have a better taste.

Number seven: Medications. If you’re on dehydrating medications that will effect your taste. Counteract those meds with more water and also a sports drink a day. Getting yourself very hydrated will keep your healthy and tasting delicious.

Number eight: Chocolate!!! You are what you eat. If you want even the tiniest chance of having chocolate flavored man yogurt, you need to start supplementing your diet with chocolate. I’m not talking about hershey’s kisses either. Get dark, organic chocolate, eat a few squares at lunch, a few at dinner. Toss in  raw cacao into a shake once a day with your wheatgrass and your woman might just notice a little chocolate zing to your dink dew.

If you follow all of these tips, the taste of your cock shot will almost certainly improve.

*Note* I’m not a doctor and if you do all of these things and drop dead or have no improvement in your ejaculate taste…too bad…so sad.

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